What i'm about to say may and probablely sounds like the ramblings of a raving lunitic however i have to vent some where and as i said i believethat since becoming disabiled i've become more of a passifist and unwilling to fight verbally or fyphically over anything. Those of you who know me and since only some family and a couple of friends read this you know i wasn't the nicest person around when i could get around on my own, yes hurting any body didn't bother me and i guess this is god's way of making a better person but it's an aweful crueland i still believe this today.
joke if it is. I don't know how much more i can take of my life and i accepted all of my illness's as being all my responsibility and didn't blame others for the cards i was dealt,I will admit allong the way i've met some incredibly nice people who have tried very hard to soffen the blow so to speak, and i believe in my heart it's also brought my siblings and i together as for most of our lives we were as you would say 4 people in a row boat with an oar each rowing in different directions. I grew up in Mississuaga and allong the way thought i had friends not close but still friends whom because i now live in Kitchener and to far to travel have shall i say abandened me. In other blogs i spoke about my years of service to minor hockey mostly in Clarkson as both player and coach, they recently cellebrated the 50th anniversary of the organization and brought back people for a big party and guess when i wasn't included even with 7 years as a player, 14 as coach, 8 years as a director, 5 time tournament director including 3 of my fathers memorial tournament and with my cousin on the organizing committee no, no invit.
When i go out any where i find myself apologizing for things i shouldn't have to, such as being to slow getting on a bus to people actually running into me in malls and me saying i'm sorry The people assigned to help make my life easier or maybe i'm wrong come up with ideas that they believe work but i'm the test dumby that has to make it all work, such as something simple like getting offyour bed and going into the bath room and get on the toilet and getting up to leave simple right, not for me as i have to use a sliding board to my chair then sliding board to toilet and sliding board back to chair This simple task is both time consuming but also exhausting
What i find most frustrating is even when i'm down or not feeling well i have to paint the smile on and be the jovial fat guy because thats what is expected and as i was reminded recently when i said something in a time of depression to "SHUT AND DIE IF YOUR GOING TO YOUR ALWAYS DOING THIS" so i don't tellany one the truth any more because everyone has their own issues and even though they ask they really don't care. I find myself losing my temper with myself more frequently lately and have thought about the after life and if you believe in god and the bible how much better it would be and to give me a chance to catch up with my father who passed on October 23,1988 and still miss terribly.
My only regret is i'm to much of a coward to end things and even have thought about stopping dialysis and let nature take it's course. Please don't get me wrong as when you get depressed you think the worst and although i shouldn't feel like this being busy with regional comittees, dtalysis 3 to 4 days a week and a growing SMC home business i still feel this way. A funny reason as well is when i sleep i keep having this sad dream that when i die a service is held and my 3 sibling show up and sit in different areas of the chapel with my best friend and his wife allong with my good friend down the hall and nobody else there.
Thaks for allowing me this long winded rant, i know i feel better.
See you soon...
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